TThe 2024 World Series was an exciting competition between baseball’s two best teams, the Dodgers and the Yankees. It’s also a welcome excuse for the cities of New York and Los Angeles to talk about themselves, a special little thing that neither city takes for granted.

There’s nothing New Yorkers and Angelenos love more than a little middle-class masturbation. “Be sure to try our bagels,” you might hear as you walk through the trash-filled streets of Manhattan. “Strip mall sushi” is something that those of us lucky enough to live in Los Angeles are required by law to tell anyone who asks for a recommendation of any kind. For those who haven’t yelled that at the Delta terminal at LAX, that means the best sushi restaurants are in malls. What we don’t tell you is that everything in LA is in a mall.

New York vs. Los Angeles is a rivalry that confuses the rest of the world and leaves San Francisco wondering, “Aren’t you forgetting someone?” The two most powerful cultural centers in the United States are constantly locked in a deadly battle, among other things Power, influence and the question of which city can host the MTV Video Music Awards. Sports give us a clean, bloodless way to decide which city is better while also drinking lots of beer, which is about as American as it gets. The Yankees, like the city itself, represent tradition, broad-shouldered swagger and a dash of corruption for flavor. The Dodgers, like countless great Angelenos of old, lived in New York.

For this reason, with the World Series moving to Yankee Stadium, I can say without a doubt that this series will decide once and for all which metropolis is better. No other method of judging this never-ending dispute will suffice. While publications like New York Magazine occasionally make a big deal out of this conflict, they have done nothing to actually resolve the matter. A New York-based writer comes to LA once a year to gawk at the health food store Erewhon and say, “How is it even possible to live like that, with all the smoothies, protein shakes, and six-pack abs?” Then they go home and talk about their trip as if they’ve just returned from a remote village where they eat processed crap and don’t have TikTok.

The reason our society can’t decide which city is better is because it’s actually a much closer race than anyone would like to admit. If you ask any New Yorker about their home, they will say it is the “greatest city in the world.” Ask any Angeleno and they will say that “there is free parking on Sundays.” I’d say this is as even as it gets. LA and NYC are equal and significant in many ways. Both cities are known for world-class art museums, operas, and architectural landmarks like the Griffith Observatory and the Times Square M&M Store.

No matter how much New York and LA dig up this argument, it’s almost impossible to determine a definitive winner without baseball to resolve it. Pick any category in which one might judge a city, and there are pros and cons to both. New York has pizza. Los Angeles has everything but pizza. Los Angeles has spectacular weather. There’s a place in New York where you can get batteries, a Gatorade, and lottery tickets at 3 a.m. In Los Angeles there is In-N-Out Burger. There’s this Chinese restaurant in New York with a photo of Ed Koch next to the toilet. New York has Madison Square Garden. Los Angeles has the Crypto.com Arena. New York has cocaine. There is also cocaine in Los Angeles.

When I’m forced to choose a side, I find it difficult to make a decision. When I visit New York, I enjoy the convenience of taking the subway instead of sitting in traffic. When I drive my personal, air-conditioned car, I have to give my full attention to the road. In the ever-present snarl of traffic, I can leave whenever I want, but I can’t get to my destination when I want. With the subway I don’t have to worry about traffic or concentrate on driving. I can view all of my Instagram Stories and my online store at the same time. In LA, I barely have the time to catch up with people I’ve never met and buy an old Star Trek windbreaker. Thank you, traffic!

Of course, I don’t want to deny that driving in LA has its advantages. Woody Allen once said that the “greatest cultural advantage of Los Angeles is the ability to turn right at a red light.” Believe it or not, you can do this anywhere now, and have done so for decades. Allen may have overstated the importance of the right turn at the red light, but no one can deny that LA invented the driving maneuver that caused my most horrific car accident. The city’s resident philosopher might be songwriter Randy Newman, who wrote the now-legendary Angeleno anthem “I Love LA,” which plays after every Dodger and Laker home win. The song, which ironically praises the breathtaking topography of Los Angeles while recalling the grotesque class divide, is the satirical anthem that defines a place that lives and breathes with irony.

No matter who wins the World Series this year, we can all agree that both New York and Los Angeles will continue to lead the country when it comes to per capita excess, hubris and overpriced condos. We have more similarities than differences. NYC and LA are magnets for creativity, ambition and trust funds. A large portion of both cities desire to be in the other city (or Paris) at various times throughout the year. These are cities where transplants either won’t say where they’re actually from or won’t keep their mouths shut about it (I see you as a “person from suburban Iowa who loves the Chicago Bulls”). New York and LA are two different sides of the same shiny coin – one dark and pessimistic, the other ironic and cheerful. When this series is over, we can all finally end the eternal battle. One city will be happy and the other will say, “At least I’m not in San Francisco.”