“This is probably a joke,” Trump said. “Do you want to see me blow the minds of the people backstage?”

“I get so angry, I’m up here seething, seething,” he continued. “I’m busting my ass with this stupid microphone.”

Trump complained about the microphone for nearly four full minutes, berating the “stupid people” responsible for it, complaining about how worn his neck was and complaining that it was set too low. He also threatened to ban the contractors, something he has always done.

“I think the microphone stinks,” he said. “Then we don’t pay the contractor. I say don’t pay the contractor. Then they write a story and say Trump doesn’t pay his bills, he’s a bad guy.”

At one point, Trump bizarrely moved his head up and down from the empty microphone stand at his podium, presumably to demonstrate how low he had to bend for the microphone to pick up his voice. However, the act resembled something else. “Blowjob: TRUMP SIMULATES ORAL SEX ON STAGE!” Read a front-page headline from Drudge.

Trump knocked away the microphone stand, grimaced and continued to complain about having to bend over. “Everyone says, ‘Is there something wrong with his back?’ What the hell is wrong with his back?’” he said. “They say he is mentally and physically impaired.”

No joke.