We live in a world that doesn’t always allow for ambiguity, especially when it comes to sexual orientation. As author Katie Heaney wrote in her 2018 coming out memoir: Would you rather: “People want a clear narrative arc. Especially me. We want gay adults to have gay childhoods – the elementary school crushes, the closeted youth, the gradual coming to terms with it. We want a line, without breaks, without evasion, from point A to point B. But I broke and evaded a lot.”

Heaney’s statement is deeply relatable to me, a person who has broken, deviated, and come out (as bisexual! As generic “queer”! as a lesbian! as she/her! as bisexual again) no less than five times in my life. !). I am grateful for the people in my life who have made space all I didn’t open up about my different identities, nor did I question or judge myself as I switched between them — but unfortunately, that’s not necessarily the norm, as singer Shawn Mendes proved on Monday. At a concert in Colorado, he opened up to fans about his sexuality, saying, “There’s been this thing about my sexuality since I was really young, and people have been talking about it for so long.” The real truth about my life and my sexuality is that like everyone else, I’m just figuring it out. Sometimes I don’t really know, sometimes I do. And it feels really scary because we live in a society that has a lot to say about that.”

Unfortunately, Mendes isn’t the only celebrity who’s felt pressure to define their sexuality for the public lately. When Billie Eilish came out as queer in 2023, she wasn’t exactly thrilled by the buzz that surrounded her announcement, she later said fashion: “I wish no one knew about my sexuality or my dating life. Forever, forever. Should being honest with the world about who you are and who you love really mean that everyone can automatically know every single detail about who you are with or how you identify?

More than 7% of Americans now identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community, but there isn’t much reliable data on how many of these people are or are questioning their sexuality. Anecdotally, I can say unequivocally that almost every queer, trans, and non-binary person I know has experienced a lack of clarity about their sexuality and/or gender at some point. Is it because they are “just confused,” as the TERFs would have you believe, or is it because sexuality and gender are two of the most permeable and diverse aspects of modern life? It’s hard to feel 100% confident in any part of your identity any At least in times when homophobia and transphobia is on the rise in communities and many of the societal messages you receive on a regular basis still wish you were straight and cis?