In recent years, there has been debate about whether and how much mothers of young children should work outside the home. Many argue that women should scale back their career ambitions or at least wait a few years when they start having children.

One ideology that advocates stay-at-home mothers is the so-called “anti-feminist” school of thought, espoused by many socially conservative journalists, academics, and social scientists. And there are many others that rely on data and statistics to prove that living on one income is the better choice for a family, and that one parent (usually, and for many valid reasons, the mother) should agree to forego a career indefinitely while raising children.

As a woman who has always worked outside the home in some form since having children, I am naturally tempted to get upset about such findings, whether they are opinion-based or empirical. But it is hard to deny the validity of the one common thread that runs through all the comments about the importance of mothers being present: Naturally nothing is more important or valuable than raising children. One of the main motives behind the debate about whether mothers should work outside the home – the well-being of children and families – is a cause that most agree is worth investing in.

It is true that children benefit from a mother’s presence, especially between the ages of zero and three. And few would dispute that full-time homemakers have enormous value to society, or that it is entirely possible for a mother to be overzealous in protecting her career when demands at home demand more of her time, energy and attention.

However, I do not believe that we should pit these two pursuits against each other. I have come to believe that they are ultimately directed towards the same fundamental goal. For me, work and housework are not diametrically opposed. Rather, both are directed towards serving, supporting and nurturing the family.

Ordering goods

Although I enjoy my work, very few would argue that it is more important than the upbringing, care and education of my children. I would not say that myself. I have come to realise that, at least during this time, doing income-generating work is part of – a extension of – my care and household duties as a mother.

For many, the decision to work outside the home while having one or more children is not a matter of balancing priorities and subordinating a primary good (raising children) to a secondary one (work). Rather, as legal scholar and mother of many Erika Bachiochi explained in a recent panel discussion, income-generating work and child-rearing can be intertwined so that both become part of the vital work of the housewife. Describing the ecosystem of her home life with many young children, she explained:

the responsibilities I had at home and the responsibilities I had out in the world with my work, the work at home and the work at work – they were not separate at all, but deeply intertwined. Because … I saw them both as nourishment for love of God and love of others.

Bachiochi further discussed the concept of “the duty of the moment,” an inner attitude that involves carefully recognizing and then responding to present needs, often (usually!) at the expense of our own selfish motives. For Bachiochi, work is often Was She fulfilled the duty of the situation and responded to it, rather than signaling distance or absence to her children. She was a model of a certain, well-formed obedience:

Sometimes my work is actually a duty of the moment. Like that phone call. There were other things that people in this house wanted me to do, but this was a duty of the moment because I had scheduled it. And there are times when I have to put my work aside – even as someone who works almost full time – because a child needs me.

Viewed from this perspective, work and domestic duties do not have to be at odds, and work can function just like other things mothers do out of necessity. Caring for a friend, neighbor, or distant family member in need, for example, takes time and energy away from family and home. The same is true of caring for elderly parents and charitable work that directly impacts the community. Not to mention the daily work one does around the house and in supporting people – cooking, doing laundry, cleaning.

What if the responsibilities that pull us out of the home were not at odds with our roles within the home, but were actually like fuel that spurs us on in our quest to create a good home, a good life, a good family?

These tasks inevitably take away time that could otherwise be spent with one’s children. And yet most people find these activities valuable enough to do. And more importantly, we wouldn’t say that these outward-focused activities are “at odds” with raising children. Rather, we would praise those who engage in this kind of meaningful work and point out that it’s all part of a larger goal, the bigger picture, the end goal: human flourishing.

Some social science research can be interpreted to suggest that the amount of time we spend with our children is about quantity, not quality, but I think we need more nuance, and I think the scientists doing this research would agree. We would all do well to analyze their findings and make sure we fully understand them. So what we should be asking is how a mother’s income-generating work fits into the larger mosaic of priorities that shape the home and the family. To the ultimate goal of everyone’s prosperity.

Deciding how to order secondary goods in the service of primary goods will always fail if this decision-making process is reduced to a pros and cons list, a lifeless weighing of priorities. Isolating the factors (more money for private school! Mom can keep working! Dad doesn’t have to bear the burden of being the sole breadwinner!) will not be enough. Ordering goods looks more like identifying the various responsibilities we care about and deciding which ones require our full attention at any given time.

This is not to say that there are “no wrong answers” when it comes to structuring work, spouses’ responsibilities, or division of labor. Many of us know that the ideal involves as much maternal presence as possible. So how can we creatively design our lives to achieve the good that this ideal design is intended to produce?

For some families, the great game of Tetris of ordering everyone’s priorities and needs will involve some amount of work outside the home. For some, it will not. Individuals, parents and spouses together, are the only ones who can judge whether the secondary goods that support the primary good of their family’s thriving are properly ordered. They can be just as disorganized in a flexible part-time job as they are in a professional working full-time outside the home. If the disposition underlying the decision is unhealthy, the fruits will be unhealthy too.

Whole persons

It may well be that one person’s current obligation is to spend far more hours caring for children than someone else.

I recently spoke with a friend who is a working mother of several young children. I have known her for many years and have witnessed the fruits of her efforts to manage both her home and her career, and have seen tremendous progress in both areas.

As she described it to me, “There is no separation (between my work and my personal life)”; the rules of both areas “influence each other.” She went on to explain that trying to divide our responsibilities is futile because we are whole people. Virtue in one context can foster its development in the other. As Bachiochi explained, everything can be “fodder for love of God and others.” In my friend’s specific example, her work deadlines pushed her to bring more structure to her household, which improved everyone’s daily life.

This is just one anecdotal example. And this essay is not intended to be a litany of the benefits of being a working mother. But I think that when we think of work as just one of many things that shape us morally and intellectually, it begins to seem far less like something that distracts us from the more important, desirable work of the home. What if the responsibilities that pull us out of the house are not at odds with our roles in the home, but are actually like fuel that spurs us on in our quest to create a good home, a good life, a good family?

Ultimately, there is no battle of priorities. For those fortunate enough to have a family, caring for their children is the most important thing. The more interesting question to consider is, am I shaping my life to be a better parent, caregiver and moral teacher to my children – and overall a thriving human being?

Alexandra Macey Davis is editor-in-chief of Public Discourse. Her own writing has appeared in Coffee + crumbs, The Federalist, plow, FemCatholicand more, and she writes a Substack letter titled Chrism + Coffeea call to find meaning in the sacred and the ordinary.

Editor’s note: This article first appeared at Truly Magazine and is reprinted here with permission.