LLet’s log on to Apple TV+ and see which actor they tapped to star and executive produce their own miniseries this week, shall we? Ah, good news: They’ve got reformed Oscar host Billy Crystal, and he’s starring in and executive producing “Before,” a psychological thriller (out Friday). Crystal plays Eli – which makes me nervous since no character is ever called “Eli” unless the whole thing is a biblical allegory or it’s some ancient, unknowable horror, and in this case it’s the latter – that about the latest news of his wife Lynn’s death. He meets an annoying child, Noah (Jacobi Jupe), who sees visions, speaks in tongues, and keeps showing up at Eli’s house in the middle of the night in ways that no one but me seems to find strange. There’s something spooky and a hundred thousand unsolved mysteries, and Eli learns that his and Noah’s fears are somehow closely linked. It’s October and we get to tell stories like this. “What If Billy Crystal Was Scary?” was fired from Apple’s commissioned supercomputer, and now we have 10 full episodes of Before.

My problem with the supernatural is this: it has to make sense in the end, or it can never make exactly the same sense as The Blair Witch Project. Nothing in between. The best horror movies have some kind of resolution – the ghost was, I don’t know, a maid or something, and she was in love with a guy who was, I don’t know, murdered and thrown down a well, and you have to find his bones take her back and place her with hers so that they can be at peace with each other. Something like that, you know? You need to bury a piece of cloth, or have a haunting vision from 100 years ago where you can somehow mend a broken relationship, or cry while apologizing to the very paint-black blood stain in the attic where they died . I always have to understand why the ghost was angry or the witch cursed them or where the monster came from or why exactly this person became possessed. Otherwise, something just happens and it’s hard to get involved with it. Oh, a closet is ripped open, isn’t it? Did anyone have a dream? Give me a break. At some point I need to know what happened in the basement to really be afraid of it! Not only can it make haunting noises!

In “Before,” we see Billy Crystal solve three scary mysteries at once, but the central mystery involves a child so traumatized that he can barely communicate. So we basically witness Crystal talking to himself as he tries to unleash the supernatural terror unknown. Eli has a few friends, including Robert Townsend as a weed-smoking academic type who talks to him in annoying comparisons about “you should take mushrooms” (Eli always goes to universities and talks to old lecturers and seems to be very familiar with them: It (there are many people entering buildings where they are not necessarily invited). Sakina Jaffrey is the understanding colleague, and Julia Chan plays the “therapist,” delivering cringeworthy lines like “Why do you downplay what you do?” You’ve had such a long and successful career helping children in need !” But more than that, it’s basically Crystal holding out important items to a child with creepy eyes and asking if it means something to him. How committed you are to it will be a big indicator of whether you like Before.

I wonder what actor-led limited series Apple TV+ will make next. Um…Lucy Liu is a dog handler from San Francisco who uses her access to tech millionaires’ mansions to steal from the rich and give it to the poor! No, not that. Um: Edgy single mom Courteney Cox solves a small-town murder without looking particularly glamorous? She never will. Ahh: Guy Pearce is a doctor who crosses gold rush America in search of his long-lost daughter? There could be something there. Wait a minute, I get a call… Hello, is this Apple CEO Tim Cook? What is that? Guy insists that both the executive producers and the main cast appear? Then it’s a no from me. Yes, no, I’d rather just write the column. All right, cheers, buddy. Cheers, yes, goodbye.