The Narcissist

A recent article in the New York Times Wellness section titled “Narcissism Is a Trait Hard to Break” states: “Although the researchers found that, on average, narcissism gradually declines with age, the results show that this decline is not as large as hoped.”

What is the problem with dealing with a narcissist?

According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, narcissism is “most problematic when people become addicted to their sense of superiority and pursue it at all costs, displaying the three ‘E’s’: entitlement, exploitation, and lack of empathy.” The narcissist sees himself as superior to others, craves admiration, and has an inflated sense of self-worth, according to Dr. Ulrich Orth, lead author of the new study published in Psychological Bulletin.

The narcissistic parent must be the “superior” parent at all costs. Narcissists lack empathy for the child and the other parent and exploit both to feel superior to the non-narcissistic parent at all costs. They are possessive, critical and controlling of their children. This makes them a dangerous opponent in a custody battle as they are often willing to lie, falsify information such as emails, text chains, verbal records and intentionally portray the other parent as incompetent and themselves as the superior parent in every way possible, including exploiting simple childhood injuries to life-threatening levels and threatening lawsuits against doctors and educators to neutralize them in the battle.

To end the legal dispute, the non-narcissistic parent will often agree to a parenting plan, often called “joint physical custody” (shared decision making), but this may not be in the child’s best interest and forces the non-narcissistic parent to negotiate with the narcissist about things like psychiatric treatment for the child (which the narcissist often refuses because he or she fears the child will tell the therapist things about him or her), extracurricular activities, and tutoring.

What is particularly disturbing is that “people who are extremely narcissistic in this unhealthy way are not going to change if left to their own devices.”

Is there a way to communicate with the narcissistic parent?

According to Elinor Greenberg, author of Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety, “coping with a difficult relationship is the best that someone closely associated with most narcissists can hope for.” One strategy is to “do good,” that is, to praise them when they are cooperative and caring. Negative behavior should be punished by withdrawing and remaining silent, Dr. Malkin says in Rethinking Narcissism.

“Grey Rock “Conversations

Social media has promoted a method of communicating with difficult people over the past decade called the “Grey Rock” method. The goal is to disengage without losing contact (Dr. Ramani Durvasula, “It’s Not You,” “Recognizing and Healing Narcissistic People”). Contact is a necessity if you are attempting to co-parent your children.

Most people seem to lose interest in a boring piece of granite. The online theory is that if you take on the characteristics of a boring piece of stone and become apathetic and boring, you will repel argumentative, antagonistic people who seek conflict.

The way it works is a form of “emotional distancing,” according to Dr. Durvasula, and grey rocking is a way to keep the peace and avoid “getting into the mud” with them. It’s apparently particularly effective with written communication, such as texting as a method of avoiding long, meandering messages.

There are several videos on TikTok, including “The Grey Rock Method Will Change Your Life,” “Grey Rocking the Narcissist,” and “Using the Grey Rock Method When Co-Parenting with a Narcissist.”

In short, if you can’t detach yourself from someone, which is not possible with co-parenting, then you should make conversations so boring and tedious that the person wants to leave or end the conversation. The theory behind this is that “psychopaths are addicted to drama.” This will disrupt a person’s “narcissistic supply” and cause them to lose interest in their victim.

Should you use the Grey Rock method?

There is no scientific evidence to support the effectiveness of grey rocking. Grey rocking is a method to reduce the damage of emotional abuse such as gaslighting.

With the Grey Rock method, you reveal nothing about yourself and become as boring and inconspicuous as a grey stone.

How to use the Grey Rock Method

1. Don’t tell the person what you are doing

2. Avoid eye contact

3. Stay distant

4. Limit interactions

5. Do not disclose personal information

6. Keep interactions short

Looking for drama

By detaching yourself from the narcissistic parent and limiting your communication to the most mundane and boring details, you may find that your narcissistic parent’s drama addiction is not satisfied with you and he will turn away from you. He will not change. Only you can change.

“Grey rocking” can be an effective way to turn down the heat in communication and eliminate the drama.

“Yellow Rocking” is a variation of “Grey Rocking” with a little more warmth, such as “I hope your day was nice” or “I don’t agree with your version of events, but let’s look past it.”

No matter which stone you imitate in conversation, remember the basic concepts of communicating with a narcissist that each stone represents. You are taking control.