It’s pretty rare that I walk out of a movie theater and think, “I really just wasted 90+ minutes of my life watching that.” I usually take something away from what I watch, be it joy or elation at best, maybe anger or frustration at worst. Those negative feelings at least mean that I’m feeling something at all, they’re feelings I can work with and talk about. But when I walked out of the Borderlands movie, I think all I felt was… apathy? A general feeling of “what was the point”? That’s probably the most damning thing I could say about a work of art, but to call the Borderlands movie “art” is being too generous.

A film adaptation of Borderlands has been in the works since 2015, and a decade later, it’s finally here. Who knows what the story was originally supposed to be, but this is what it ends up being: Lilith (Cate Blanchett), a bounty hunter who seemingly doesn’t care about anything or anyone except her next paycheck, is hired by the head of a major corporation to rescue his daughter Tiny Tina (Ariana Greenblatt). Things don’t quite go according to plan, and instead she sets off on a journey with Tina, along with Roland (Kevin Hart), the mercenary who kidnapped Tina, Krieg (Florian Munteanu), a tall, burly man who doesn’t say much, Patricia Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis), a doctor obsessed with finding a legendary safe, and Claptrap (Jack Black), an annoying robot who makes too many insufferable jokes.

This is a strong cast for the most part. Both Blanchett and Curtis are Oscar-winning actresses. You’d assume that prestige would seep into the film. But in the lead role of Borderland, Blanchett’s performance seems like one marred by regret. She’s previously stated that she took the role to save herself from the madness during the COVID lockdown, but none of that energy is seen in the finished product. Every single line seems to be underlined by the fact that she’s not really sure why she’s there, and that somehow rubs off on everyone else, too.

Hart continues to be painfully unfunny and struggles to appear cool for a single moment, despite playing a seasoned soldier. Munteanu plays Drax on a cheap level and lacks Dave Bautista’s charm. Curtis is fine, I think. She’s experienced enough to handle most roles – much like Black. Still, I only laughed once as Claptrap, while all the other jokes fell flat. At least Greenblatt looked like she was having fun, even if her days as an actress on the Disney Channel are clearly still holding her back.

None of the characters really develop. I won’t spoil anything for you, but the only change anyone really goes through is Lilith, and if you watch the movie, anyone who’s played the games will sense the big reveal miles ahead. Anyone who hasn’t played the games, however, won’t know why they should care, because her development is devoid of any emotion – everything moves along sluggishly because the plot needs to happen, not because it wants to say something about the world. Every other character is reduced to the role of “there to make jokes or be inconvenient,” with plot threads constantly being dropped just to rush to the end. It’s somehow both boring and exhausting.

There must be some Rescue? Maybe the direction was good or the camera work added a bit of fun kinetic energy? Nope! At its best, every scene is formulaic – when we first meet Roland and Tiny Tina (the first characters we see in the film), they’re both in a medium close-up with a classic shot-reverse shot. Seriously? Is that how we’re supposed to meet these characters? Lifeless. Static. It couldn’t be made clearer that the next 100 minutes have very little to offer.

Even the action – which should be the focus in a Borderlands adaptation – is chaotic and lifeless. The cuts are hectic, and because the camera is so close to the characters at every moment, you don’t get a sense of space. And that’s a real shame, because this film actually has some impressive set pieces, but they’re rarely used to their full potential. It all feels like a missed opportunity. The world of Borderlands is fun, and none of it is showcased in any meaningful way.

After all of this, I just can’t help but ask, “What was the point?” Seriously, I can’t figure it out. I mean, I know the real answer; the point is to make money by capitalizing on an already existing, popular IP and capitalizing on that summer vacation movie theater boom. And of course, boosting video game sales. What is the point in not Here, something new is brought to the table: exploring the world of a video game in a new light. This is what finally helped the Fallout TV series break into the mainstream.

The Borderlands movie exists just to exist. Not a single member of the crew had any apparent desire to make something that no one has ever seen before; this is an attempt to print money. That’s most of Hollywood these days, of course, but this particular film feels like a particularly blatant example of such a mindless, creatively bankrupt crime. Don’t watch Borderlands – just get your friend who loves the games to explain to you why they’re actually really good. You’ll have more fun.