79 mins: Arsenal get the ball and Newcastle can’t get out. But there is no last ball. The hosts relative therefore comfortable.

77 mins: After a wash with the magic sponge, Pope can continue. “No crucial insight into the plot, but is it just me or does Lewis Hall – if you imagine him with glasses – bear an uncanny resemblance to the young Alan Bennett?” asks Rob Knap. “Once you’ve seen it, etc. (Admittedly, this might be for a relatively small portion of your audience.)”

75 minutes: …and now it’s Newcastle’s turn to worry as Pope goes under without anyone near him. Then the physiotherapist comes.

74 mins: Saka falls to the ground in pain after Hall accidentally hits her in the heel. Lots of screaming, although luckily he gets up quickly enough and gets back on his feet. For a split second there, Arsenal’s hearts go into their mouths.

72 mins: Another double swap from Arsenal and Timber and Trossard make way for Jesus and White.

71 mins: Tonali is cautioned for causing Havertz to fall while he was in flight.

70 minutes: Newcastle go up the other end and win a corner on the right. Tonali comes in. It’s another particularly bad throw, but Arsenal are only half clear and Tonali can try again. This time Arsenal are coping with the situation. This is going to be pretty tricky.

68 mins: Another Arsenal corner leads to nothing. The visitors are now a bit frustrated.

66 mins: This turns into a basketball game and Tonali is knocked over by Timber as Newcastle take the lead at the other end. Timber goes into the goal and nothing comes of the resulting free kick. Speaking of basketball, here’s Russell E again, thankfully not rising to Chris’ bait: “To be fair, Arsenal look more like the Bad News Bears than the Chicago Bulls at this point.”

65 minutes: In front of the corner, Tonali comes on for Willock, who had just been warned. Then Pope clarifies the standard situation.

64 mins: Arsenal have a bit of luck there, and now Newcastle are getting their luck on the other side. Rice deliberately dribbles through the left inside channel and into the penalty area. He shoots low, his shot is deflected and ends up almost in the bottom right corner. Just inches past the post, with Pope’s feet on the ground, the goalkeeper completely beaten. Just a corner. Saka to take away.

63 mins: Some space opens up for Isak, who shoots from distance. Raya parries with a strong hand and the rebound somehow evades Gordon.

62 mins: Welcome to Newcastle, Ethan Nwaneri! He is on the receiving end of an immediate reduction of Willock, who enters the book as a result. Willock can’t complain after all this factual nonsense.

61 mins: …and here it is. Martinelli and Merino make way for Zinchenko and the exciting 17-year-old youngster Nwaneri.

60 minutes: Arsenal are preparing a double change. Mikel Arteta is not a happy man.

58 mins: Willock drives Saliba through the inside left channel. He creates just enough space to shoot straight from inside the box, but leans back and fires the ball. The positioning of the defender is just enough. “It’s quite ironic to see Arsenal fans complaining about simulating fouls when their team goes down in a stiff breeze,” argues Chris in response to Russell E. Play well everyone now.

56 mins: … With that said, Merino goes into the book with a frustrated lunge from behind against Guimaraes.

54 mins: Trossard attacks Willock from behind and is quite lucky that the referee is in a laissez-faire mood this afternoon.

53 mins: Isak hits a pass wide to the right, where Gordon, Livramento and Longstaff work together to win a corner. Gordon takes over the standard situation. Not particularly well, it has to be said, and Arsenal clear their ranks with ease. The standard situations have been hopeless so far today. Good for Gordon that he enjoys moral recognition for this sensational submission.

52 mins: Martinelli hits a ball into the field from the left, encouraging Trossard to storm across the channel into the penalty area. Burn extends his long leg to turn the ball for a corner, which Rice hits wide… but neither Merino nor Saliba can hit the ball on the other stick.

50 minutes: Arsenal are patting the back and trying to calm the atmosphere at St James. The move works.

49 mins: Timber crosses from a deep position from the left. Schar heads away powerfully, then the offside flag is raised. This doesn’t feel like a game that ends 1-0… but good luck correctly naming the team that changes that score.

47 mins: It’s Gordon to Willock again, this time a cross from the right that his teammate can’t direct to the goal Isak style. The early signs suggest that Arsenal are not the only team to have received an emphatic response at half-time.

45 min 30 sec: Raya keeps Arsenal in the game after Newcastle started the half quickly. Gordon advances down the right and feeds Willock, whose shot to the top right is well saved by the goalkeeper.

Arsenal start the second half. No changes.

Halftime mailbag. “On TV, the commentators go through the litany all too familiar from Arsenal’s recent performances: they miss Martin Ødegard; Trossard doesn’t do enough; Martinelli at his best; Arteta will have a lot to do at half-time and shouldn’t Nwaneri come on? The Arsenal fan will nod wisely to everyone. There’s also a simmering rage over the kicks Saka gets as a bonus. What a way to spend a Saturday lunchtime” – Charles Antaki

“I know absence makes the heart grow fonder and makes a footballer better, but it really feels like Arsenal’s attack isn’t functioning properly without Ødegaard. Saka and Martinelli are tricky dribblers, Havertz a slow-moving killer and Trossard a lively shooter. But everyone lacks an eye for the unexpected. The Norwegian makes passes that no one else on this team sees” – Kári Tulinius

“How is it that when Newcastle simulates fouls, wastes time and plays overly physical, they are celebrated for playing football the right way? It reminds me of watching the bad boy Detroit Pistons vs. the Chicago Bulls* in the late 80s. It’s as obviously cynical and about as compelling as watching JD Vance try to tell a joke. (I was a Bulls fan when Michael Jordan was in his prime)” – Russell E

“Despite Arsenal’s Merino, it was Newcastle’s jumper that made the difference in a lively first half” – Grant Tennille (who’s here all week, ladies and gentlemen, try the tomato plate)

Half-time reading. This isn’t Arsenal’s only big 12.30pm kick-off this weekend. Tom Garry reports on tomorrow’s showdown with Manchester United.

HALF-TIME: Newcastle United 1-0 Arsenal

45 mins +2: Martinelli crosses from the left. Pope, who hasn’t had much to do before, clearly strikes. Then the goalkeeper is back in action and deflects Merino’s cross with ease. On the touchline, Mikel Arteta folds his arms and frowns.

45 mins +1: Partey is booed every time he touches him. Panto season coming soon!

45 minutes: There will be three extra minutes in the first half.

43 mins: Partey is now at the other end, checking Willock on the Newcastle left. The referee talks to him and leads him to the Last Chance Saloon. Gordon steers the resulting free kick into the nearest defender. What a waste as the Arsenal box is full of players.

42 mins: Partey hits low from the left. At the far post, Joelinton holds his ground to take the ball to the goal kick and then celebrates the Guimarares/Arsenal style save.

40 minutes: Longstaff is booked for a fairly obvious tackle on Trossard from behind…er, scrub that. The midfielder certainly should have been noted in the referee’s notebook, but in fact it is Schar who was shown a yellow card for throwing the ball after the decision of the foul. While that doesn’t make much sense, it should at least please Arsenal fans given recent similar decisions against Rice and Trossard.

39 mins: Despite the result, it’s the Arsenal fans who are making the most noise at the moment. Your team still does the lion’s share of the attack.

37 mins: Trossard tries to release Saka down the inside right channel, but the pass is deflected. Goal kick. On the left, Martinelli, still hot, turns around in disgust at not receiving a pass. The Brazilian looks like a yellow card just waiting to be implemented… So to be fair, he did well not to react when Newcastle were awarded a goal kick after a ricochet between him and Livramento. A bite on his lip and he quietly moves away.

35 minutes: Guimaraes goes down and needs treatment as he was caught late – albeit accidentally – by Merino. Luckily for Newcastle, her husband soon reappears.

33 mins: Not happy with the awarding of a throw to Newcastle, Martinelli tells it as he sees it for anyone nearby to hear. The referee responds to the volley with a lecture of his own, informing his captain Saka that any further heated conversation would lead to trouble.