After a scolding from my doctor, I’ve decided to eat healthy. That means instead of eating a whole batch of chocolate chip cookie dough in one sitting, I’m only going to eat enough dough to make two cookies.

That’s enough to cleanse my palate of the taste of all the fresh vegetables and other healthy things.

This quest for better eating habits (figuring out how much candy I can sneak without getting another reprimand from my GP) reminded me of a very scary bedtime story I read years ago:

A horror-movie-like engineer at the University of Plymouth in England has developed an “intelligent” refrigerator that is programmed to prevent dieters from eating unhealthy snacks.

A refrigerator trained to taunt you with food it won’t give you! Could there be a crueler nightmare?

I don’t remember how the refrigerator worked, but there was no doubt some high-tech wizardry involved – probably something futuristic like the one in the cartoon series “The Jetsons” where an automatic fly swatter would pop out of the appliance and smack my hand when I reached for a Coke and a candy bar.

When I was married, I didn’t need such a torturous refrigerator. My wife might sit three rooms away with headphones on and the volume cranked up, rocking out to Motown while the whining vacuum cleaner ran, but as soon as I creaked open the refrigerator door as quietly as possible, she would be right there next to me, clapping my hands.

She justified this with the usual weak excuses – “I’m worried about your health,” “The chicken is for the church picnic,” “Leave some for the rest of us,” and so on.

That couldn’t happen here in America, you say. What about our constitutional right to life, liberty and happiness? Isn’t happiness defined as chocolate, French fries and pudding?

But read the fine print. It’s actually in the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution, and the statement is, “…and the PURPOSE of Happiness.”

The recording is optional.

Furthermore, if you are married, you have dedicated your life to someone else and voluntarily accepted restrictions on your freedom.

In short, if she tells you to skip the cherry cheesecake, then skip it. For your health’s sake. Because if she catches you, you could end up with swelling and bruising if you sneak a bite.

Back to the insidious smart refrigerator: This technology could spread like a freak virus, a pandemic devastation that threatens to wipe out every cupcake, sandwich and hot dog that humanity holds dear.

One day you might drive to a fast food restaurant and order a juicy double burger full of cheese, bacon and barbecue sauce, giant fries with lots of salt, and a huge chocolate milkshake.

But as you speak into the crackling intercom on the menu board, it bombards you with laser beams that measure the number of swinging fat cells per body in the car.

As you pull up to the window, the boy with the funny hat gives you the BMI special instead of what you wanted: a garden salad and ice water.

“And hey, if you lose eight pounds, we’ll give you a low-calorie dressing. Have a great day, fatso.”

Or you go to the supermarket and find that the shopping carts are electrified in the same way that fences are electrified to keep grazing cattle in check.

As soon as you touch the cart, it will scan your fingerprints, determine your blood sugar level, and display a list of all the good stuff your diet doesn’t allow, like chocolate chip cookie ice cream. Pick up the ice cream, and the cart will shock you until you throw the offending treat back.

Please let me keep my low-tech refrigerator. It will keep the lemon meringue pie from spoiling.

For more diet tips from Cole, contact [email protected] or visit the Burton W. Cole page on Facebook.